How to write at letter to someone (you don't know) on a retreat

Years and years ago, I wrote a guide on How to Write a Letter to Someone on a Retreat. It has brought more search engine-arrived traffic to my blog than any other post, by far, and I hope it has been helpful.

As I was cleaning up the spam comments, I saw a real comment from someone suggesting I write a How-To on writing a letter to someone one doesn't know who is also on a retreat.

Super hipster photo by MILKOVÍ on Unsplash

This is a common act of service: writing a letter (palanca, as they are called in my circle) to someone on a retreat even when they are a stranger to you. When retreatants are given their packet of letters and they notice letters from people they've never met who are praying for them, they're further surrounded by the Body of Christ. It can been the source of transformation for someone who might not regularly feel that familial Love within the Church.

In my other post on writing retreat letters, I began with a series of questions to figure out how deep you want to go with the person to whom you're writing. Obviously, that's not a step we can take here. Instead, examine yourself and how you can authentically communicate what you know about Christ's message.

1. What's the likelihood that this person had to battle with the Evil One to make it to this retreat? Consider warning them that they might be going through complicated emotions and obstinate during the retreat because the devil doesn't want him or her there. This might help them feel a little relief over the battle going on inside and open their heart a little more.

2. What was your experience when you were on one of these retreats? Give them an anecdote, especially if it's a truthful one about how you didn't necessarily have that giant 'ah-ha' moment that everyone else seemed to feel. Encourage them that the journey to Faith isn't about the seen and the felt.

3. What works of mercy can they employ during the remainder of the retreat? Encourage them to reach out to someone they've never met before or to go on a hike when they really just want to lay on their bed. Challenge them to treat the retreat like a chance to do something differently. They can always go back to "normal" when they get home (little do they know that our Lord will always be working on them).

4. Are they journaling during their time? Enclose a blank piece of paper (and a pencil, if possible) and encourage them to write down some of their thoughts. Tell them that it's okay if the thoughts are rants or if they seem pointless. God can work with that.

5. Obviously, you have to keep this letter slightly general and one-sided, as you don't know this individual. Know that when I received letters during my retreats from people I didn't know, I was reminded about the Body of Christ. We are all in the Communion of Saints and I was privileged to know that someone cared enough about the Church (the people in it) to write to a stranger.

Things to remember:

• Less is more. Lots of words do not always mean more love. You can have a greater impact with carefully chosen, few words.
• Keep in mind that he or she is probably exhausted. Retreats can take it out of you, physically and spiritually. He or she may not know how he or she feels at that point. Assure them that's okay.
• He or she either learned new facts about the faith or are trying to convince himself or herself they haven't learned anything. Assure them that retreats affect people differently.
• The person to whom you are writing may disagree with or dislike something about the faith. Encourage them to ask questions of the priest, if you suspect this is the case. Remind them to remain calm and polite when doing this. Discussion is good, but hostility will produce skewed results.
• Quotes are used so often because smart people pack HUMONGOUS messages in succinct, profound nuggets. Before you start your letter, pick a few quotes or Bible verses that embody what you'd want to hear at a retreat. You may be surprised by what comes out of your pen without aid and may not need to use the quotes/verses... but it doesn't hurt to have them if you need them.

Stand Up

It was the beginning of true adulthood and I was trying to make friends. Therefore, I got in a reply-all email argument with an acquaintance and got kicked off the team.

When I was just starting work life after college life, I joined a kickball team to try to meet new people. It was so far out of my comfort zone that everyone might as well have been speaking a different language, playing a game I'd never encountered, on Mars, all while in their birthday suits. But I joined and went and played anyway.

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I was surviving, barely. This introvert went to every game, even when the nausea began hours in anticipation of the weekly meetups. Halloween rolled around and the team was emailing back and forth on a thread about what costumes they would don at our next match. One particularly good-looking and friendly acquaintance on my team shared his idea:

"I'm going to wear all black, tape a little white rectangle to the top of my collar, and borrow my nephew's Toy Story Woody doll to hang out of my pants. I'll be a priest with a woody!"

Hilarity ensued. And I couldn't decide if that was rage or more nausea boiling up inside of me.

I'm not big on controversy. I'd much rather everyone just make the right choices, keep everyone happy, follow the rules, and everyone just do what they should, thankyouverymuch. I do my best to fit into that mold and people please as needed along the way. In a perfect world, I never have to face controversy. I was at an impasse:

If I want people to follow the rules and do what they should, what should I be doing in this moment?

I fired back about how I am Catholic and that he can't be serious with that costume. He and others laughed it off and responded with gentile manner about how it was just to be funny and that the costume was harmless. Again, impasse: laugh along with them and decide I was taking it too seriously, or continue my protest. You read the first paragraph, so what do you think I did?

Here's the problem with that costume (as if it weren't obvious). It makes a mockery of a really challenging vocation AND simultaneously makes allusions to these horrific acts in which so many priests have engaged.

The hilarious costume wearer told me in a private email that he didn't think it should be considered offensive because "[he] grew up Catholic," (always a point of credibility ex-Catholics think they should share). He said it wasn't offensive because he was just saying that a priest (who, in case you didn't know, takes vows of celibacy in the effort to devote his life to the Church and her sheep) probably had a ... you know ... from time to time. And that makes him laugh.

I told this comedian that not only does that make light of an honorable sacrifice that he obviously couldn't hack, but the fact that he was using a small, male children's toy to HANG OUT OF HIS PANTS conjured images of pedophilia. You better believe this guy is upset at this moment over this grand jury report about which we all learned. But when it's a Halloween costume, it's funny and in no way links him to the evil in our world that leads men to make these horrifying mistakes.

Two comments before my revertigo anger bubbles. This guy (and all y'all) needs to think about how his actions are building morale up rather than going for the laugh at the expense of tearing down the good in our world.

And secondly, good friends are not a dime a dozen. As Mr. Feeny said in the graduation episode of Boy Meets World, "Do good," not just "well," do good. Surround yourself with people who raise your standards for yourself.

Within a day, the coach of the kickball team told me there was another team that was operating with too few players and wanted to know if I'd like to switch. I switched. And within a few weeks I became much more involved in my parish's young adult group. The same group where I met the man who is going to get me to Heaven (God-willing) and who gave me my daughter.

Plus One and Single

We're smack dab in the middle of wedding season, so the invitations are pouring into our house. I know those living the temporary vocation of singleness might be facing the plus one question: should I bring someone or celebrate the couple with my groovy self? This is for you ladies and gentlemen who have already decided to use that plus one, gar-gang-it, and you're going to use it right!

I never used my plus one to invite a male to a wedding; I've tussled with guilt over the years for having brought my sister to one wedding and a girl friend to another. The following is what I would have done if I could think of a quality guy with whom I wanted to spend time during one of the most funnorible events: weddings!

Good excuse to share a photo
from my 2013 wedding, yes?
(Photo: Jackie McCool)

All scenarios:

You don't have to know ahead of time if this is THE ONE, you just have to know them. No strangers.

Pick someone you know with whom you could enjoy spending potentially stressful time and who will be a team player that night.  "Can I get you a drink?" "Let's dance!" or "You don't want to dance? That's okay, let's grab some cake and people watch," should plausibly come out of his mouth.

Don't text or email this request. Let's be grown ups (clarified: let's be grown ups from the Greatest Generation, instead of the Generation That Cannot Handle Social Interaction).

Give the guy at least two weeks, but perhaps more, in order to ensure he can be there.

"I want to invite you" and "I would like to invite you" are tempting examples of how syntax and word magic take the pressure off of what you're really doing: inviting them to a wedding. PLEASE COMMENT below because I'd love to hear your thoughts. My armchair opinion is that the asker should just come out and use a more direct version: "Please join me."

You are in the wedding party:

If you have never been a bridesmaid or groomsmen before, know that you will spend little to no time with your date until about two hours into the reception. This person has to be able to fend for themselves or know someone else at the party to hang with until you are free. Chances are, if you're going to find value from this post, it's because you're not sure if you like-like this guy or if you do like-like this guy.

If the guy is your good friend, you won't have much trouble with the wording:

"Bro, I have a plus one for a wedding next month. I know you and I would have fun! Just know that I'm in the wedding party, so I won't be with you until after the first dance."

If the guy is someone you consider a friend, but you are wondering if God might be showing you that outcrop of rock: 

"I'm calling because I am inviting you to join me at my friend's wedding next month. I think we'd have fun!" -pause for normal human conversation effect- "I am a bridesmaid, so I will be with the bridal party for the first half of the wedding. We could get dinner with a few other friends of mine next week, so you can meet cool people to hang out with during the first half."

You are not in the wedding party:

If the guy is your good friend:

"Bro, I have a plus one for a wedding next month. I know you and I would have fun! Two questions: are you available? And chicken or beef?"

If the guy is someone you consider a friend, but you are wondering if God might be showing you that outcrop of rock: 

"Will you join me at my friend's wedding next month? I think we'd have fun!"

It would be a good idea to still grab dinner with a few friends who will be at the party so that this guy isn't walking in blind, but you will know if that feels appropriate.

For these fellas that we're wondering about, I suggest taking several deep breaths before making the ask. Ask the Holy Spirit to let you know how to proceed from there so that you lay the foundation for a fun evening!

All Aboard or Hit the Trails

ATSF Route Map (from Wikipedia Commons)

In speaking with my younger, wise sister last night, I realized how much my advice is colored by my changed perspective as a woman who found and snatched up (oh, I got him!) the man of my dreams, the man God made for me.

At earlier points in my life, I saw my journey to my vocation as a 19th century train ride on the Atchison, Topeka and the Santa Fe (Harvey Girls, anyone?).  I was on a train, coping with tunnel vision, knowing the train had certain stops along the way, with a marked the course and planned stops. If the train stalled, I quickly overanalyzed and shouted, "Oh my gosh, we're here, we're here!" and fell madly in crush with the train station in Dodge City or Winnemucon.

The ultimate destination in this scenario was a train station called Marriage and I was busy trying to make every train station the Marriage station so that I could finally say I had arrived. I didn't want to miss that stop!

"This could be it! I might have found him! Won't it be a beautiful story to tell!"

In those ATSF days, I would walk into a room and make an immediate evaluation of the men in the room: wedding rings, ages, height, face, perceived personality, style, and whether or not they were looking for their bride who just walked in the door...

My eyes and heart tired of the effort.

At a point about six months before I started officially dating my husband (we were friends at this point), I abandoned my train metaphor and realized that this journey to a married vocation is actually a hike.  Thank you, Holy Spirit!

I realized God would not let me walk by that outcrop of stone overlooking His beautiful creation. In time, I walked on the paths, through the woods, over the creeks, admiring the creation within the hike along the way, but His mightiness revealed itself to me without question.

BOOM! Look at that view! So much better than an over-analyzed train station that was never meant to fit.

Weight of Mentality

Pinterest has been invaded by spammers preying on women who pin, and pin, and pin about tips and tricks for losing weight. Women keep pinning and re-pinning these spam-laced pins because they believe they'll read them, eventually, and live up to the toned woman in the photo doing whatever exercise the spammer knew would catch the female eye.

They know how to get to us, don't they?

Over the past three years, I've been fortunate to finally find some success in this realm of my life and I want to share with you the "secrets." Not secret diet or the perfect all-over exercise regimen, but the real secrets behind the eyes of a woman struggling with her weight: the real weight lies in your mentality.

This is not a new idea. However, I know when I was unhappy with my weight, I plagued Google for every tip, trick, or motivation some stranger would share. This list is written for women, men, the overweight, the underweight, and for those who never really had to think about their weight.

• Fear - when I was overweight, there was a constant and overwhelming fear that someone was going to yell something rude at me about my weight. I also feared that everyone around me saw nothing but the fat girl. This mental elephant sat on my shoulders for years and even after I had lost enough weight to be out of the medical "overweight" category.
• Faking it - Though I constantly complained to my family about my weight and made a few little jokes with my friends about my weight, I tried never to verbally self-identify as the fat girl in public. I might comment about how other girls were little or compliment others on being cute and small, but I tried not to make fat jokes about myself. I think that's a slippery slope.
• What is "enough?" - Another fear I had was that any success I had with weight loss would be quickly eclipsed by a bad snacking day or a gradual let down of my guard. I also told myself that I was worried that the success would be so great that I might get too skinny and not be able to stop. Now I see that this is really a crutch, but it is something to keep in mind. It shouldn't get in our way and if we're losing weight the healthy way, it isn't much of a possibility.
• Boy-friendly sized? - Typical, right? I ached for years believing that no boy would date me unless A) he was 400 lbs or B) I was 100 lbs. This is like the hunger growl that creeps from your stomach during a quiet moment in class (no pun intended); an empty pain based on the untruth that I'm only as valuable as someone's first impression of me. Yes, the way I treat my body (ie. the cookie binging nights) is a reflection of how I treat my insides. Now that I am in shape again and have found my value within, I feel more like myself than ever before. Still, the poison I fed myself regarding my undesirability was the real turn-off. BONUS: it's quality of the man, not quantity or ease of "capture" ;)
• Helpless anxiety - I once heard someone say that being addicted to food was a much harder addiction to overcome than any narcotic addiction because we can't quit food cold turkey. We have to coexist with food for the rest of our life. For those who have never needed to lose significant weight or keep any kind of restraint on your diet beyond avoiding cake, try to understand this: imagine hating how you look and knowing that the dinner (even if it's healthy) you just cooked for yourself is just another version of the food that added to your frame. For me, being overweight felt like I was wearing a rubber suit that was superglued to my skin. I knew it wasn't part of who I was (deep down, I believe I knew this), but I didn't see how I could remove it. There was a grey cloud of guilt with every single bite I took, unless it was a vengeful bite taken among several on a day I said, "Forget this! It's been a week and I haven't seen an ounce of difference!"

True cliche: Both of the above ladies are beautiful and valued. God created both and used their life trials to lead them to their true identity.

My final note here is that this is not a commentary along the lines of "bigger is beautiful" just as much as it is not a commentary stating that all women should be size 4. I believe we have a duty to our bodies as temples to work to be healthy and mental health is foremost (IMHO). 

If you have ever struggled with this identity crisis, do these resonate with you? What would you add?

If you have not struggled with this, would you share with us something that surprises you? Or challenge me! Please!

I Get To...

...marry my best friend!!

God is so good to me! A) Savior, thank You! B) Thanks for sending me a great dad! One who gave his blessing to C) My wonderful fiancé!!

In case you were wondering, I had Life for breakfast (yes, yes, I did) on the last morning before agreeing to marry my best friend! We went on a hike on, in my humble opinion, the most beautiful day in the whole wide world.

We walked up the mountain as boyfriend and girlfriend and walked down it as fiancés. Okay, so we didn't walk. I basically ran down that mountain.

Crabcakes and Football

Go to ConversionDiary.com for more!

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Slow and steady wins back their blogging brain.

I have exciting news and I'm going to continue writing quick takes until I decide whether or not to tell you....go ahead and guess.

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Have you listened to the Bright Maidens' interview with Pat Gohn yet?

Click to listen to Part 2

In the first one we discussed a myriad of topics that we believe are important to Catholic young adults. In this, the second one, we spent a great deal of time talking about... sex. And virginity, and recycled virginity, and our identity as such.

It really turns into honest girl talk, so men, if you've ever wanted to be a fly on the wall of a sleepover, this is your chance.

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Exciting news hint: it is one reason why I have been posting infrequently/not posting. Seriously, try to guess! #CathSorority girls aren't allowed to guess.

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Click to buy it on Amazon

In the last week, I have listened to my church's 1997 recording of our Song of Mark production at least 20 times. It's a stellar musical and I highly recommend buying the CD and/or asking your music minister if they'd consider producing this play at your parish.

I know all of the people with lead roles, so I'm tempted to go to Mass on Monday and embarrass them with compliments about how I have their voices stuck in my head.

One of the children in the production who had a solo is one of my oldest friends and was 10 years old when her beautiful little voice sang the Good News. She now has a three-year-old girl and a month-old baby boy.

Time flies.

*5*

My cousin and her awesome boyfriend had a fun idea for a wedding present with a personal touch. Cousin's-Awesome-Boyfriend salvaged and split a beautiful piece of wood, so that it has a flat surface for painting.

Selfishly, I'm eager to help them because it will help me get back into painting and creating art. They want me to paint a big crab on this, similar to the picture, and insert the words "Crabcakes and football: That's what Maryland DOES!"

My canvas. Wood, I'm turning you into a crab.

What a creative wedding gift! I'm sure they'll get a kick out of it. I'll post some pictures of my progress later.

*6*

My exciting news will compel me to move to a different city. Bittersweet.

I decided I'd reveal my exciting news in its own post. So guess, guess, guess!

*7*

Don't forget to join the Bright Maidens for this week's topic on stay-at-home-moms and working-out-of-the-home moms.

In case you were wondering, we had this one planned before Lent began, so it's a coincidence that the whole Ann Romney/Hilary Rosen thing blew up recently. You're welcome to reflect on that, if you haven't already, but that wasn't our aim.

Trista's post, "On Motherhood"
Lynsey's post, "WOHM vs. SAHM"
Mandi's post, "Stay at Home Mom vs. Working Mom"
Lisa's post, "The Best Job in the World"

OMG[osh], What did she say?!

The Bright Maidens are back and this time we're talking about ... SEX. We discuss sex, virginity, recycled virginity, women, the value of sexuality the value of being a child of God and a brother and sister in Christ, and TOB in terms of respecting life and pro-life issues.

I haven't listened to this week's Among Women podcast all the way through yet, so I'm a little nervous about what Pat Gohn edited in and out. Our conversation for Part 2 was about an hour long, but it's much shorter in the podcast version.

I'm more than a little nervous.

UPDATE: "It's really hard out there. It's really hard. To be a virgin in the 21st century takes heroic courage. It takes the grace of a saint to live the life that we're talking about here." -Pat Gohn

Let me know what you think!! LISTEN HERE. Our part of the interview is about one-third of the way through the podcast.

Bright Maidens on Among Women, Part 1

Friends, the Bright Maidens have an exciting announcement! The lovely Pat Gohn of Among Women kindly invited the three Bright Maidens (Julie, Trista, and Elizabeth) to sit down with her for the podcast!

As you may know, St. Hildegard of Bingen is the Bright Maidens patron saint, so Pat Gohn shares a great deal of wonderful insight on this powerful saint!

We had so much to discuss that we will be in TWO (count 'em: one, two) podcasts. We get into girl talk, a few points that we believe affect young Catholic women today, and a few... surprises. Check it out! Here is the first installment.

Combining Gilbert and Wentworth

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Yes, I'm cheating by doing this in Quick Takes form... a week after the topic was published.

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This topic was meant to be a light one, just in time for Valentine's Day, because no matter your vocation or marital status, there have been and always will be literary men in your life. As Liesl explained in her literary crush piece, "Excuse me while I swoon:" 

I think one of the things I have learned most from my literary crushes is not that they have shaped my heart, but that they show me what is already imprinted on my heart.

We are who God created us to be when He first knew us, before He formed us in the womb (Jeremiah 1:5). We are His children, at our core, no matter what additional outer layers we allow others or the world to attach to us.

*2*

When you KNEW you could fly

My college art show focused on a related phenomenon: the concept of memory and how your life changes and experiences change your perspective on memories.

For instance, Anne of Green Gables was one of my first chapter books. Therefore, my perspective as a 5 or 6-year-old reading about Anne's contentious relationship with Gilbert Blythe was simplified. I might have picked up on their undertones, but I certainly didn't analyze it and try to apply my results to my own life like I did as a teen.

My perspective as a happy, confident, and in-Love 24-year-old reading this classic is less analytical and involves far more guffaws at some of my previously similar behaviors. Oh Anne, you're almost as clueless as I was a few years ago!

I can only imagine that I will revisit my 24-year-old perspective as an older woman and share a few more guffaws with and at myself. It's a cycle, folks, so embrace it!

*3*

Say a prayer that everyone may shed the extra layers

This whole concept rests on the notion that we are who God created us to be at our core. My favorite quick quote is JP2's "Family, become what you are." As Catholic Christians, we believe God created our souls and and gave them a home in our bodies.

Our souls should come first in the health pecking order, but many times we feed our body and our pleasures first.

Throughout our lives, we pack on outer layers of junk. I know I formed some weird habits during my tween to teen years. We all add habits and mannerisms to ourselves in order to fit in or do what we think will be best for us. Unfortunately, this is often only "best" for us in our pleasure-seeking short term.

Praise God, we're still US at our core. Through discernment, prayer, the will of God, and sometimes an Ah-Ha moment, we can shed these outer layers and reveal who we were created to be.

*4*

This inner person, the core, is the one with whom others fall in Love! This is who Gilbert noticed about Anne, not her red hair or temper. I believe he fell for the passion that motivated the temper.

Captain Wentworth tried his best to forget about his Anne, the one who broke his heart. He thought he healed from the romance bruise, but as soon as he saw her again, seven years later, and noticed her resolve, clear-headedness, and strength, he shed the blinders.

Julie, Liesl, and Sarah mentioned these fine fellows, and rightly so. I used to think that I Loved Gilbert because he was just a nice, intelligent country boy who is part of an example of an iconic Love story. I once thought I swooned over Capt. Wentworth because he secretly pined over Anne and then wrote a beautiful letter to make his affection known.

It's both more complex and more simple than that: they Loved their Annes to their core and recognized the lovable qualities buried deep in them. Once more, swoon with me. This is why they are so swoon-worthy. Gilbert embraced Anne's Anne-ness from the beginning and Capt. Wentworth couldn't fall out of Love with his Anne, even after years and distance.

These are the men we want, ladies. Go find them.

Oh, hello - 7QT, Volume 53

Visit ConversionDiary.com for more!

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Hello.

*2*

I discovered something about myself a few years ago. My passionate nature allows me to focus intensely on three things at one time. The fourth thing either bounces off my passion shield (Be gone, archery! We have no room for you here!) or schooches its way into my heart. 

Jesus' yoke is easy and His burden is light.

Of course, said schooching fills me to the brim (I run full steam ahead with three passions) and one lonely item must leave the nest for a little while.

I think you know what lost out this time around.

*3*

Why?

1. Because my personal relationships started to get elbowed out because of number two...

2. I got a part-time job as a youth activities coordinator at my church. It was the tipping factor that indirectly asked me to bop out one of my intensities.

At first, I thought I could do it all. I was going to ORGANIZE myself into success. It's a pipe dream I'm determined to fulfill, but for now the solution was to leave blogging out in the cold.

*4*

So youth ministry is completely different than I thought it would be! I have taught Theology of the Body to teens for almost two years now, but that requires so little prior preparation that I was fooled into thinking youth ministry was as carefree.

It's invigorating and fulfilling, while poking dozens of tiny holes in my reality. I thought I was an organized person (and a psych test agrees... more on that later), but this job has made me realize I need to ENFORCE organization on myself. It doesn't just take care of itself.

*5*

Coin Rubbage

One step in becoming more organized is also my next big piece of news: I'm moving out of my parents' house! I moved into this house as a toddler and I'm moving out a month before my 25th birthday.

To those graduating in May:

Your decision to live at home depends entirely on your discernment and your parents' willingness/insistence. The first thing anyone says when I tell them I "still live at home" is, "ALRIGHT, YOU'RE SMART!" accompanied by their fingers rubbing imaginary coins together in front of my face.

While, yes, I did save money (while paying a reduced rent), the best benefit of "staying at home" is precisely what you took for granted throughout your senior year of high school:

No one can quantify the value of coming home to people who love you. To wake up in a house where I brought home my first "A," while my now-landlords clapped and squealed in excitement is invaluable to me. My wonderful parents and I reconnected as adults and I learned more from them in the last two, perspective-rich years than I did since that first homework assignment.

Thank you, Mommy and Daddy! I'm moving on to learn more, but I love the home you created between all of us.

*6*

My areas of interest. So I like art.

My full-time job provided me with the opportunity to take the Birkman assessment. Ask my family and my beau and they will tell you I can't shut up about it.

Ask me and I tell you I'm enthusiastic about it because I'm a big picture thinker who likes to see how things work out with a plan.

It's SO COOL to have a computer tell you, "Hey, you're insightful, you like to work in smaller groups, but too much solitude is bad for you. When you're stressed out, you will try to withdraw and procrastinate, so try to avoid that by setting up your environment with plenty of organization and time to complete your tasks."

WHAT IS COOLER than seeing your habits and brain quantified? I think I talk about it exactly the right amount of time. Beau? Care to comment? :)

*7*

Bright Maidens announcement time!

We're thinking about switching things up! This change would be reflected in the calendar (click the link, copy the URL, and use it to "subscribe" in your calendar application or format), so we'd like to hear what you think.

The topic that normally falls on a Tuesday will pertain to an entire week. Instead of asking you to write to a one-day deadline, we're giving all of us a chance to wake up a little during the week.

If you have time to write your piece for Monday, have at it! If you want to explain why you think Gilbert Blythe is the ultimate man in 7 short bullet points, please, be our guest and wait until Friday!

I hate over-using the word "busy," especially before I have children, so I won't.... but it might be nice to inject a little flexibility into the week. What do you think?

Hold your tongues

PDA in the Digital Age

by Julie at The Corner with a View
Trista at Not a Minx, a Moron, or a Parasite will be sitting out this week.

"Hold your tongues" by Elizabeth at Startling the Day

The "Bright Maidens" were originally three from the oft-mentioned, widely-speculated upon demographic of young, twenty-something Catholic women. Now, we all take up the cross to dispel the myths and misconceptions. Welcome!

We've all clicked through more Facebook photo albums than we care to admit.

Perhaps you're more disciplined than I am, but I remember when Facebook first allowed Photo Albums back in the fall of 2005 and I stayed up until 3:00 in the morning, clicking through random photos. What a stalker I "was."

Even today, though the nuance of Facebook and photo albums has worn thin, I find myself perusing a few photo albums of people I barely know. Call me creepy, but I say Facebook has opened a whole new scope for amateur sociology and I eat it up. The colors, the creative Halloween costumes, the photos of places I wish I could go, happy wedding and baby photos of those I haven't seen in years. I just can't get enough of the pictures!

One sure way to get me to click away, especially when I was lovesick and single, was when a Facebook friend posts a MySpace-style photo of a smoochfest from an arm's length away. Yup, a split-second look at two (usually young and freshly dating) folks exchanging a kiss just seems out of place in my admittedly liberal dose of photo perusing.

Many couples post pictures of kiss exchanges between them and their new spouses in their wedding photos and these are quite touching. They seem like moments of ecstasy, captured by someone invited or hired to document the day.

I'm not writing to condemn others for the random kissing photo in our digitized world. Some are simply more comfortable with flaunting their physical love for their significant other than I am.

The Facebook generation has fewer inhibitions to their privacy and the camp seems to be split: is Facebook PDA better, worse, or the same as in-person PDA? Perhaps we shouldn't be looking at photos of our friends if we're not prepared to see their tongues. Or perhaps we should think about why we're posting a play-by-play of our tonsil hockey on Facebook.

Most people posting these photos are probably not boiling down their entire relationship to one kissy photo, but that's one of the impressions it gives: This is how we love each other, isn't it cute? I would suggest they consider the potential pain of "detaging" or deleting those photos if the relationship were to end, knowing that they can neither "detag" nor delete the image from onlookers' eyes and minds.

Just because you're on the Internet and you cannot physically see other people does not mean the rest of the world ceases to exist. We're all humans out here and those who tend to interact with more people through the Interwebs would do well to remember that.

No more nunsense

I interrupt this 7 Quick Takes Friday to bring you something much heavier and more necessary for my sanity this weekend. I'm going to the mountains with my beau and good friends and I cannot wait for the fresh air and marvelous views that remind me how much more credit I need to give to God on a daily basis.

Anthony challenged me to write a post about the religious life that dives deeper into my true feelings about the chaste, poor, and obedient vocation. In good faith, he offered the same.

The truth is I have no idea how to discern my vocation. I flip-flop between certainty about marriage, a general openness for God's plan in my life, and back to terror. This (and the profound Love of my unblackened soul) is why I can never be a politician.

I spend a lot of time talking to God, praying the Our Father and Hail Mary, reading what people have to say that either affirms or juxtaposes (therefore confirms) what I believe, and thinking I have most of it figured out. Yes, my faith grows in and through God, but I limit it with my fear when there should be nothing scaring me.

I listened to this sermon, "How to discern your vocation," which a commenter on VirtuousPla.net offered. I wish I heard it in middle school, not because it cleared anything up for me, but because it explains why it's important to discern the religious life before dating.

As I lay in bed, having listened to the sermon, I wept. I wept when I became aware of a darkness filling the void where discernment belonged. I wept because I vehemently don't want to choose away from my boyfriend, if that's what God called me to do.

I ached, a violent, physical pain in my chest, at the idea that choosing a religious vocation meant my children would never exist. My ribs caved in with my silent sobs.

I cried thinking about writing letters to my family and friends instead of seeing them daily or weekly. I cried at the thought of Alternate Elizabeth explaining a choice for religious vocation to her family and friends. My tears fell because the religious life has rarely been a serious consideration and I realized that meant I had walled up a path to God.

As I mentioned in my original post, I know it would be a fulfilling life. The priest in the sermon linked above went so far as to say it is the most straightforward (albeit toughest) path to Heaven. I could work with children, speak a different language, live simply, and create strong bonds with a community.

How beautiful the life of a religious! You choose the tougher path and become a joyful light in the world because of it! Your day is ordered between prayer, service, simplicity, and a healthy helping of patience.

Like the rest of the world, you encounter stress, sorrow, doubt, happiness, surprise, and God's sense of humor. The difference is that you carry the weight of a community on your shoulders with a great sense of humility that it is really Christ's yoke.

The other side of my head (Is it my heart? Is it my self-tradition?) wants to scream out, "I can do those in the vocation of marriage, as well!" Obviously, I have not "solved" this puzzle, but I have seen a void in which prayer needs to erupt. Immediately and without fear.

My sorrow over what is really a new realization doesn't necessarily mean married life is for me. The joyful nature attached to the habit is not exclusive to religious life, as marriage might be my calling. Everyone makes sacrifices in their chosen path. It's about time I start sacrificing that wall of fear and tear it down.

Now, God, I need your help figuring out how to do that.

Ahem: Enough with the kooky titles? This post needs a kooky title because it emotionally exhausted me beyond my abilities to keep things peppy in the body of it.

Easier than you think

Today is day 183 of the romantic relationship with my beau. Six months, half an anniversary, the six-mensiversary, a nanoversary, halfaversary, something somewhat silly to celebrate. Or is it?

Rather than swoon to you about the awesome man in my life, I thought I'd take a crack at how we got here. How did I land a great, Catholic man who wants to grow in Christ with me? Where did I go right that God would present me with someone who truly wants to discern God's plan? What help can I possibly be to others with only six months under my belt?

How we got here

Whenever people "give advice" to single people from their [haughty] chairs, it often inspires temptation of mild violence. I hope to avoid that.

Love his face

I've known my beau for almost three years now, so our road has been a long one with a large percentage of a friendship-only identity. We met in a young adult club. I can hear the sound of facepalms everywhere:

Of course you met at church! I've already tried that! I exhausted my pool there, give me another direction!

Remember that the majority of our relationship has been strictly friendship; we surprised each other as we became better friends. "Hey! Where have you been?"

A little over a year ago, after a series of weekly dinners in a group of church friends, several non-church-related events, and many email exchanges, my beau and I became great friends. We became best friends.

Then, despite my best efforts to control my mind (like nailing warm butter to a wall), I looked up one day and realized I had a big crush on my best friend.

Believe me when I say the "trust in God," "it happens when you least expect it," "you have to be happy being alone before you can be happy with someone else" cliches bugged me to no end. So as not to cause another wave of facepalms I won't explicitly say those cliches are mostly true... I'll just hint at it.

Get to the practicalities before I click out of this post.


Read more at VirtuousPla.net... I promise, I really give practical points.

Ramen Noodle Weekends Lead to Happiness

Color me only a little surprised to read the ten happiest jobs involve playing hopscotch with the poverty line.

Forbes contributor, Steve Denning, wrote that these content individuals reported being the most satisfied with their jobs above all others, as surveyed by the National Organization for Research at the University of Chicago.

This man is happy.

People of the clergy, firefighters, authors (all of them, not just the J.K. Rowlings of the world), special education teachers, teachers, artists, operating engineers and others say they have the best jobs. Admittedly, I cherry-picked these because they are on the lower end of the pay-scale.

The other three, physical therapists, psychologists, and financial services sales agents, see benefit both on their paycheck and in the faces of those to whom they cater.

Curious, the similarities in the top ten happiest jobs, no?

Look at this in comparison to the ten worst jobs. Director of information technology, director of sales and marketing, product manager, senior web developer, technical specialist, electronics technician, law clerk, technical support analyst, CNC Machinist, and marketing manager -- call me crazy, but these jobs sound like high-paying, high-competition positions.

They're the kind of jobs that have an important image, that play a key role in the way a business, non-profit, or government entity works. Hmmm

Did you see what is right at the top of the ten happiest jobs? It's much like the reports that only .02% of NFP-practicing married couples get a divorce... If you really put faith in numbers and quantitative evidence... follow the yellow brick road (Please refer to this post, if you are a single man and this wonderful lady if you are a single woman).

Revealing

Sexy vs. Desirable

"I Have Confidence in Confidence Alone!" by Julie at The Corner with a View
"Sensible, Courageous, and Very Beautiful" by Trista at Not a Minx, a Moron, or a Parasite

Elizabeth at Startling the Day

The "Bright Maidens" were originally three from the oft-mentioned, widely-speculated upon demographic of young, twenty-something Catholic women. Now, we all take up the cross to dispel the myths and misconceptions. Welcome!

I own a dozen cardigans.

My fashion sense has remained unrefined throughout my life, but it has wiggled in and out of levels of modesty.

Let's face it, my mother dressed me for the first ten years. In fifth grade, I struck out for the sake of independence and wore a lot of vests. In high school, I wore a uniform during the day and a swimsuit in the afternoon at practice.

At the beginning of college, I wore a lot of t-shirts and exercise bottoms to class and to the movies with my sober friends. After I began partying, on "going out nights," I wore more revealing, tighter clothing.

"Don't show them everything you've got. Leave some for the imagination," my late grandmother would preach to her granddaughters.

There's some irony here. No, my belly button isn't pierced.

When my sisters, cousins, or I wore a shirt cut too low, my 5'2" grandmother would pace over to us, poke her finger down any cleavage, and chirp, "Woooop!" If this happens, she said, it was time to rethink the clothing choice.

My spunky, slightly inappropriate grandmother wanted others to see her granddaughters for who they are first, not for their packaging.

My woooop-worthy wardrobe progressed like this until I got tired of partying, stopped going out often, and started wearing "adult" clothing to class.

To me, this meant unnecessary layers of drooping fabric, no matter how unflattering. Vague cardigans became my staple.

They say when the economy starts to tank, it takes the skirts down with it. When the economy recovers, mini skirts are all the rage. My clothing choices mirrored my emotional economy directly.

I wanted to become entirely undesirable and unsexy so as not to accidentally use my body for attention.

Rather than placing my worth on my body by revealing more of it, I overcorrected and placed my worth on my body by excessively covering it up. It was a form of punishment for my past by lowering the confidence of my present self.

My earlier begging of "look at me" switched tracks to "look away from me."

As we explored with "The Dress" and "The Interior" posts, God didn't give women gifts unique to our femininity to be ashamed of them. We mustn't disparage the gifts God gave us as dirty and lust-inciting. We are women for a reason and those of us who are called to marriage were made with our husbands in mind.

There is always going to be someone who finds something desirable about you. There is always going to be a characteristic that someone is going to find sexy or desirable. It could be the way you wear your neckline down to your belly button, or it could be the way your glasses flatter your face.

Desirability and sexiness overlap; the distinction is respect for person.

The trick is to avoid letting what you put on your body distract others from your feminine genius. It is also important to avoid letting your clothing distract you from your own feminine genius.

When you're staring at your closet, err on the side of classy rather than sexy. Think refined instead of revealing. Flatter your feminine genius without thinking it resides in your body.

Wooop.

Instead of a Bright Maidens post...

As you may have seen on our Facebook page, Irene the Mean has prevented our Trista from accessing consistent Internet so we're postponing until next Tuesday.

As a lame replacement... I would like to introduce you to a wonderful young lady, Dylana. I've mentioned her before and I'll mention her again. Check her out at her blog, "The Pilgrim's Paean."

Yesterday, she posted a few questions to gather information to help her prepare for her upcoming confirmation:

Well, this blog has mostly been about myself and my spiritual journey. But I have a question for you all. Well a few... haha! Here it goes:
1) What books have played a key role in your journey?
2) What about the books that have aided your discernment?
3) How should I prepare for my upcoming Confirmation? (Oh! P.S.-I might be confirming early!! Schyeah!)
4) How have you disciplined yourself to grow in holiness?
5) What penances have you employed?

Before I share my answers, please enjoy Julie's:

1 & 2) Flannery O'Connor's letters; The Imitation of Christ by St. Thomas a Kempis, Creed or Chaos by Dorothy Sayers, Free to Love by Marcel LeJuene, The Four Quartets by T.S. Eliot, Introduction to Christianity by Pope Benedict XVI, In Soft Garments by Ronald Knox, Death Comes for the Archbishop by Willa Cather, The Heart of the Matter by Graham Greene, Murder in the Cathedral by T.S. Eliot, and Church Fathers (i.e. Confessions by Augustine)... to start :)
3) Discipline yourself in prayer- the Devil will attack and try to separate us from our Lord through hardship, spiritual dryness and other wiles.
4) Charity in all circumstances; constant prayer and petition; reading Scripture; frequent use of the sacraments, especially Holy Communion and Reconciliation
5) Holding my tongue when I am being wronged, especially if I have already made my defense.

My answers:

Source

1) Hands down, C.S. Lewis' The Screwtape Letters

2) Fantastic question! I think blogs have had a bigger impact on my discernment because they're short and always there for me to read. Pray, read, pray.

3) Schyeah! Write hand-written letters to important people in your life and tell them how they have impacted you. They don't have to be Catholic or even Christian. You never know what effect your words of praise and gratitude can have on someone's spirituality. Also, ditto to Julie!

4) I've surrounded myself with good, holy people and I try to learn from them at all times. Of course, I'm friends with people of all walks of spiritual life and I suppose being around them motivates me to employ that which I learn. All of my friends and family teach me, everyday.

5) Good one, Julie!! I have to agree. One of my biggest faults is the NEED to be right or "justified." When I remember.... I try to keep my mouth shut and just realize that there is no reason for me to fight. It doesn't always work (can I get an Amen, family?)

Quenching Thirsts

I'm over at VirtuousPla.net today with a revamping of my reversion story. If you had a similar experience in growing into adulthood... let me know... on VP... in a comment form, if you please :)

During His travels, Jesus came to Samaria and sat by the stone wall of a simple well. He asked a woman there for a drink, which was confusing for the woman because of the tension between their nationalities.

Jesus said, “If you knew the gift of God, and who it is that is saying to you, ‘Give me a drink,’ you would have asked him, and he would have given you living water” (John 4: 10).

He proceeded to show her how much He knew about her, though she thought Him to be a stranger. God revealed Jesus as the Messiah to this flawed, yet attentive woman.

Jesus came to me in this way many times in my life, but I was inattentive and failed to draw Him a drink.

Two summers ago, I was in a strange city, commuting ninety minutes a day instead of socializing, surrounding myself with bad influences, and concentrating my conversations on selfishness and politics. I was the devil’s playground, complete with a dry, thirsty sandbox.

For the first time in my life, I started to wonder about the very existence of God. I started to doubt it. I was doubting Him.

Read more...

Stay-cation World Youth Day

Yesterday I published on VirtuousPla.net about how to enjoy World Youth Day from the comfort of your normal national borders. Some of us were unable to venture to Madrid for World Youth Day this year, but we still get to celebrate in the New Evangelization:

“Planted and built up in Jesus Christ, firm in the faith” (cf. Col 2:7)

Happy World Youth Day! Jesus Christ is risen and He asks us to share His message of Love with everyone we can.

Right now, more than a million people (youth in age and at heart) have descended on the Spanish city of Madrid in various assorted Catholic t-shirts, carrying countless rosaries, and meeting new people who join in the Hail Mary with funny accents.

This is me, avoiding jealousy.

VirtuousPla.net’s very own Trista, Fabi, and Marc are over in Madrid celebrating World Youth Day among the funny accents and I’m sure you wait in anticipation for their stories! While we sit here in America, let us not twiddle our thumbs. Let’s have a stay-cation World Youth Day!"

Read more...

Announcing: VirtuousPla.net, website for young adults

Readers o'mine, do I have a treat for you!?

The answer is both yes and CLICK HERE!

Welcome to a new world where a group of young adults who uphold a dedication to the Magisterium gather to write on one website about a myriad of topics relevant to young adults!

We launch today, on the Feast of the Assumption, with the prayer that Mary, Our Mother will help us direct people to her Son.

Please, if you like what we share today (and you look forward to seeing more) bookmark Virtuous Planet, tweet about us, post a link on Facebook, tell your friends, email your grandmother, spray paint the URL on your roof....

Let's pour some more Christianity into the Internet streams, what do ya say? UPDATE: Now we're at IGNITUM TODAY