The vestments are rose colored, no longer the glasses

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We've reached the halfway point of Lent 2021 and in my own Linton tradition, I have finally come to the place of preparation to begin Lent.

Yesterday's rose-colored vestments marked the middle of our Lenten journey and after trying and trying and trying during Lent this year, I have finally made some headway in my spiritual journey and I almost wish that Lent was twice as long. I still have the endurance to build and the efforts to make in order to see the the fruits by the end. 

Disclaimer: Lent is not a diet! And perhaps for the first time I am finally not treating it like a diet, though my spiritual woes tend to be in the food world.

I have an addictive personality, though I keep it pretty tame on the outside with as many efforts as I can. However, over the years I have been engaged in what I'll call a binge eating disorder and then binge learning and then a binge dieting. I finally come to conclusion that I should have been asking God for help this entire time instead of trying to do it all by myself. He has a vested interest in me succeeding over my food addictions as they are in obstacle for me to Him.

It is hard to find a Catholic book that addresses this and I think it's because Protestants cherry pick scripture verses to apply to their lives. Maybe that's not fair. But I want to make sure I maintain a Catholic perspective which includes the fact that Jesus himself gave himself as food for us. Therefore food is such a glorious gift from God.

I've been reading a couple of books that have been helping me and they're all written by Protestants, so I have to make sure I'm praying about the truth as I read them. I feel good about recommending Dr Michael Brown's Breaking the Stronghold of Food. 

With the one exception of a time when his wife Nancy refers to Jesus' Last Supper and His final words of "it is finished," (oh how I wish I could send them a few Scott Hahn books), the rest is applicable to our lives as future saints. The major lesson that I've learned from it is that God is more powerful than any of my obsessive food thoughts and he wants me to be free of them.

Gluttony in All its Forms

Gluttony has been among the most common of my sins in the last year and half. When I first learned about gluttony as one of the deadly sins, images of the cookie monster and Augustus Gloop waddled through my mind. The downplayed sin appears to be two-dimensional and simple, but it's more invasive and complicated than we like to admit. The Devil has made the Truth about gluttony conveniently opaque and I know I don't love examining it.

*Giggle* "Wait until you see my secret Twizzler drawer!"

Gluttony comes disguised in a myriad of ways (of all of which I am guilty):

• Food, thinking about food, planning for the next meal's food as you're still finishing the bite of this meal, thinking about how you wish you weren't thinking about food, eating food, eating more food, food, food, food.
• Instagram (et al) and digesting as much of other's lives as you can with your neck positioned in a tilted L shape.
• Gossip and indulging in constantly criticizing others.
• Research and unbridled Google searching for answers. I constantly search for answers to medical issues, reasons for why "it must be harder for me than everyone else," and other topics about which I would rather read than take action.
• Working (day job and other hobbies that earn recognition) to the extent that it invades the more important Marian (vs Marthanese) aspects of life. Often this form of gluttony is motivated by seeking praise and promotion (or trophies, ribbons, medals, and other rewards for those swim meets and games kids are participating in on Sunday morning).
• "Freedom" and "finding yourself" - total farces. Simply put, "I was looking outside / as if love would ever want to hide / I'm finding I was wrong" (Matt Maher, Alive Again).

How many other forms of gluttony could we identify? Thousands, probably, because the Devil pushes us to excess in order to drown us in it, distracting us from God.

I could not do better than the padres of Catholic Stuff You Should Know in their episode, "Watchfulness and Addiction." Please go listen to it. 

I will paraphrase the part that broke the barrier for me and made me realize there was a better way to life: our bodies do not have a moral compass. Our minds need to be that moral voice for our bodies. For example, when we're feeling an emotion that typically encourages us to overeat, drink, or gossip to relieve that emotion, our mind has the control to take action and break the cycle. Our bodies will rebel after long periods of time developing that habit ("Hey, I thought this is what we do when X happens?!"), but our mind needs to be that voice of active reason. Our bodies are not in charge.

Whining for Fulfillment

The whole Israelite community grumbled against Moses and Aaron. 
The Israelites said to them,
“Would that we had died at the LORD’s hand in the land of Egypt,
as we sat by our fleshpots and ate our fill of bread! 
But you had to lead us into this desert
to make the whole community die of famine!” -Exodus 16:3

 Yeah, yah jerk!

What a whiney group of cranky pants, right? Are you pleased to know you've never sounded anything like the Israelites before? No siree, we are scot-clear of that accusation...

The deacon at the parish we visited this weekend was exactly the voice God needed me to hear.  I've written about my journey with shaming myself about eating, which leads to binging (gluttony). Our country is addicted to this process and the process of deciding, "You know what, health experts, I do not care because I want to eat this right now."

(credit)

I think so gar-dang much about eating, it's ridiculous. Not a road trip goes by without at least one packed snack. I constantly think about what I'm going to eat later so I can know how much I can indulge NOW. It's a daily example of worry and not relying on God. It's also a weakness of avoiding suffering, even on the tiniest scale. It also leads to a lot of overeating, which abuses God's gifts.

The deacon's homily began with a story of a busy day that ended with a fancy ice cream cone salve for the stress. He realized, as he was licking the marshmallow mocha madness, how often he associates food with coping and avoiding the challenging parts of life.  It has become acceptable to self-medicate this way. And then when the self-medication makes us even sicker and more distracted, we increase the dose.

To an extent, food is both a gift from God and fuel to drive us to the BIG MEAL: The Eucharist. The Eucharist has context because we know God's gift of pleasure through food. We have to ask ourselves, to where are we looking?

I want to desire the Eucharist and let God feed me there. I want to say, "Sir, give us this bread always!" and live for it. He will take care of the medicating details distracting me from Him.

In the Quiet

I am addicted to background noise.

If there is silence in the house, my first objective it to give it some rhythm. Thank you, Spotify.

When I got my first computer before leaving for college, I developed the habit of falling asleep to a movie or TV show whispering from my laptop from my bedside table.  Since then until May 25, 2013, I estimate at least 60% of the nights included the white noise of some TV show, book on tape, or movie buzzing in my room during the sleeping hours.

Image courtesy of jannoon028. And FreeDigitalPhotos.net

Here's the thing with bad habits (run away screaming whenever anyone tells you they know "THE thing" with a bad connoted reality): we all know well when something is a bad habit versus a good or neutral one.  We know, but what does that matter if we choose to ignore that?

It's less that we know this action is a bad one as it is that we acknowledge there are some untoward consequences. Yeah, those. We'd like those to halt, please.

I knew I wasn't getting enough sleep. I knew I was addicted to the extent that forcing (yes, forcing) myself to leave my computer on the desk in the corner of my room was eventually accepted as futile after an hour or two of laying in silence that hit the volume of a five-piece brass band.  Of course, after such a loud nothing I would pop up, grab the powerful computer and huff back into my familiar viewing spot.

I knew I was watching people who would otherwise not be role models every night, letting them talk their way into my subconsciousness. It was a retreat and I was eager to give in to it.

The other thing with bad habits (run!) is: the first few days of giving up the rotten routine are the hardest and after that, it can be a brave new world.  Watching videos on my computer to fall asleep deprived me of time to be in silence.  It's no coincidence that I felt a foggy wall grow between God and me at this time.

So what happened May 25, 2013?  I married a man who treasures the virtues of silence (read: no screens in the bedroom).  Cold turkey, my friends.

Then I relapsed when I got my first smart phone about six months into our marriage.  I brought my phone in the room "just in case" I needed to remember something in preparation for student teaching the next morning or "just in case" Jack the Ripper charged into our room.  That silence got louder and louder and I grabbed the screen next to my head every. Single. Night.

It is still a temptation to bring up my phone at bedtime, you know, just in case.  But the bad mood and fogginess I felt with my husband on the mornings after staying up two hours too late, flicking through my phone, are too rich for my blood.  I choose good consequences over bad ones, one day at a time.  I find God does arrive in the silence and the consequences are more sleep and more joy.

Feed

He turned and looked at me after I poked him a few times.  What he saw was a sheepish grin, determined and begging.

"What?" he said.
"I think it's Snack Time," I responded.
"What? We just ate dinner! We have a run tomorrow," he said, jokingly (I presume), knowing that it was, in fact, Snack Time. Of Course.

Snack Time

One of those bits of insight people tend to give out to brides and grooms to be is about the married people version of the Freshman Fifteen that seems to be inevitable.  I was only slightly worried about it, because I knew I was already in the habit of working out regularly and my steadfast, runner husband was far away from giving up his endorphin habit.  We had been and still are running buddies (Thank you, God).

Unfortunately, a few of those pounds snuck up on me during those PJ-movie nights and multiple trips up to the snack cabinet.  When the above interaction occurred a few weeks ago, we were sitting in our living room with two good friends visiting town, who witnessed my overexcitement about a snack I really didn't need.

I realized this after some reflection (as trivial as the subject sounds) in Adoration.  Along with some other aspects of my life that are governed by a similar compulsion, I saw this silly interaction for what it was: an example of unthinking ungratefulness for what I can access.

We spend Lent fasting, almsgiving, and praying, yet I need to apply this to my daily life outside of Lent, as well.  The sacrifices we make to improve ourselves can pay off in confidence, joy, and a clearer perception of our relationship with God, so long as week keep giving Him the credit for our Earthly success.

I decided to refocus on how I can glorify God through my body.  Putting it in a blogpost is a step in the motivation direction, y'all.  Accountability partners, anyone?

My 10k bib from this weekend, pre-rainy-race.

Goals:

1. Cut time off of my running personal records.  I've worked so hard in the last several years at improving my times that I see now that the next step is to carry around less baggage and to recommit to running.
2. Reduce my sugar intake.  I have a history of diabetes in my family.  I need to start thinking about what I'm making my pancreas perform on a daily basis.  My sugar addiction has not been kind to it.
3. Avoid the binges.  But if they happen, to go to my support sources (Christ, my husband, my family, my friends) and revamp.
4. Track everything in MyFitnessPal. For real.
5. Replaces as many starches as possible with veggies or legumes.  Potatoes, rice, pasta, {and cookies} are a sometimes food.  I want to concentrate on knowing, "How is this food fueling my body?"
6. Cheats are okay, but I want to go at least five days without a real cheat.
7. Try to get as close to a 12 hour fast as possible.  Considering I eat breakfast as early as 6:00 am some mornings and can't get dinner until 7:30, this is not going to happen on many days.  The cut off time for "snacking" is 8:00 pm.
8. Enjoy my life :)

Sidebar: I contacted the lovely Liesl of The Spiritual Workout Blog about whether or not she thought posting about this would be lame/vain/self-serving.  If it is any of those things, please forgive me.  I think refocusing on this daily need (fuel and thoughtful assessment of that fuel) is going to feed (pun intended) into my growing spiritual life.

What I know about myself:

• I'm valuable because I'm a daughter of God and a sister in Christ.  This isn't going to change that.
• Feeling accomplished through hard work puts me in a confident mood. This makes it easier for me to interact with and be friendly with others.  Being more friendly and joyful with others means more people who might hear/see the Gospel.
• Slip-ups tend to make me feel discouraged. Which is why I'm so fortunate for my next point...
• I have an extremely supportive husband.
• I'm not terribly unhealthy or heavy now, but my habits with sugar could become dangers to my future health. I want to establish good practices with my relationship with food and my body before I have children.
• I'm an athlete and I thrive on competition. This is a competition with my alternative choices.
• I have a sugar addiction and a family history of diabetes.

This is not a cold turkey, GET HEALTHY RIGHT NOW process, it should be known. There are already a lot of key steps I have taken in the last few years.

My current habits:

• Working out (running on the treadmill) 4 to 5 times per week and logging those miles on RunningAhead.
• Tracking my food on MyFitnessPal on and off since November.
• Measuring my food (literally pulling out the measuring cups, tablespoons, or digital scale), knowing the nutritional information for a lot of the foods I eat regularly.
• I gave up fried food and soda in 2012.  The vast majority of my meals come from home (not restaurants) and are simple foods.  I also tend to order soup or salad when I go to a restaurant (because making salads can be a pain in the patooty and if someone else will make it for me, I's gunna eats it).
• No artificial sweetener...as of two weeks ago. Not even in my coffee (cream only in this addict's cup). This was a drastic switch after learning about our body's reaction to sweetener.  The nutshell understanding is: our body craves sugar and when you give it sweetener, it isn't fooled, though it thanksyouverymuch for the flavor.  It increases your sugar craving to drive home the point, "YOU CAN'T FOOL ME! GIVE ME THE SWEET STUFF."

Though weight loss is not my primary goal (mostly because I know if this is strictly about weight loss, I'm not going to succeed), switching out starches with plants has already had an impact.  I would love some advice from those who succeed in meditating on Christ in prayer during their workouts, because this is lacking from my routine.

Again, I ask, accountability partners, y'all?