Wednesday, February 9, 2011

You're welcome, English language

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America: the land of the free and the home of the inventor.

I do not support killing the English language with text lingo ("r u goin 2 da mall l8r? lol.") or with "abrevs," (fab, totes, etc) as my Canadian friends call them.

But I do like making up new words and phrases (Ex: Ennui-versary). My dad is the genius behind most of the definitions below, as he is always saying, "We need a word for..." If these new words stick, they could be a wonderful birth in the language. If they don't, at least Google will find them on here.

(I don't own the rights, but I did make up these words...)
 We need a word for:
  • Benedict Arnoldyougoingtosignthat? - a disloyal pro player who switches teams to the hated, dreaded enemy.
    • EX: Boggs, Damon, and Favre are famous Benedict Arnoldyougoingtosignthats? who played the traitors' game of capture the flag with fans' hearts.
  • Condisweat- the very watery liquid which first comes out of a ketchup and mustard bottle on a hot day.
    • EX: "Tommy, don't forget to shake the ketchup. Your father is afraid of condisweat because of his soggipaniphobia."
  • Creeptronic Period - the era in which cyber-stalking, otherwise known as "MyFaceStalking," is socially acceptable and common.
    • EX: It was in the Creeptronic Period that man started losing retinas and more sleep than ever before.
  • Digiveil - the moment one says, "Hello?" when answering a phone with caller ID, which told one who called.
    • EX: Since the late-nineties, Edith has upheld the digiveil, pretending she doesn't know what the caller ID already told her.
  • Deliveranc-hnozzola - the moment one can breathe again after having a cold or flu.
    • EX: Finally, Jim thought, deliveranc-hnozzola after 72 hours of sneezing. 
  • Dess-nial- the mindset when a waiter asks "Will there be dessert?"; everyone in the crowd thinks, "Darn, right," but says aloud, "No, I probably shouldn't." Bonus for a commenter who invents a name for the good soul who orders it with six spoons!
    • EX: It was their first date and she was in dess-nial, but that Death By Chocolate cake sounded delectable.
  • Gray-dar - the ability to notice when someone is dying his or her hair, covering the gray.
    • EX: My gray-dar goes off whenever I meet a 65-year-old raven-haired beauty.
  • Jublianthusiasm - the phenomenon of one noticing one's parents are still hopelessly in Love and entertained by one another. 
    • EX: The jublianthusiasm was palpable when my mom burst into laughter because of something my dad said.
  • Melanchaudio - the feeling that overwhelms one when one hears a song that reminds one of a bad time, of an ex-significant other, or of some memory that puts a gray cloud over one's head.
    • EX: Sally's melanchaudio was particularly strong the night of the Michael Bolton concert.
  • Misconscription - a joke, idea, or thought that doesn't translate well in writing without a lot of explanation.
    • EX: In the first few conversations with his new friend, Jake thought Adam was a mean jerk, but it turned out much of Adam's humor became misconscription when they were instant messaging.
  • Mortigait shuffle - the action of running for a few steps while looking back at the area where one tripped over nothing, when many might be watching.
    • EX: The man engaged in a little mortigait shuffle to fool the other people on the street. That microscopic crack was a doozy.
    • ObliviPAX - the thoughts that escape you so quickly that you KNOW you're never going to remember them so you make peace with it.
      • EX: I have at least one obliviPAX per day and I'm okay with that. They must not be important.
    • Obnoxygen - when the general atmosphere of a room is an unhealthy combination of annoyance and impatience. (This one comes from my good friend's dad!)
      • EX: "I have to get out of here. I'm allergic to the obnoxygen in this room right now."
    • Phone Tennis- that uncomfortable 120 seconds when both parties say goodbye on the phone but cannot seem to hang up.
      • EX: Mary was a champion Phone Tennis player, confusing the person on the other end of the phone and costing her more minutes on her cell phone plan. 
    • Redundanecdotes - stories heard a million times before, which are recognizable before the fifth word is spoken.
      • EX: The 17-year-old Anne politely smiled as her grandfather told her another redundanecdote at the family reunion.
    • Renter's block - the phenomenon where one can never think of a movie to see when one is standing in the store (or at the redbox, or with the Wii-mote on Netflix).
      • EX: Margaret rarely rents movies because she gets renter's block before she even enters the store.
    • Resplanitory - a message that needs no reply.
      • EX: "Carl, 'I'll see you in five minutes' is a resplanitory. No need to waste a text with 'K.' I am going to see you in five minutes!"
    • Revertigo Melanchaudio - the depression which envelopes one when a song popular in high school or college days plays on the elevator Musak station (the idea for this one is from my dad and I stole "revertigo" from How I Met Your Mother).
      • EX: Revertigo Melanchaudio set in when Harold heard the chorus of a watered down version of "Fat Man in the Bathtub" play between the 20th and 32nd floors in the elevator. 
    • Rude-duet - when one is talking to someone on the phone and it is quite apparent that the other person is also on the computer or watching TV.
      • EX: "I'm listening," Samantha said. "So you heard me tell you I'm going to the hospital because I have heart burn from the live parrot I ate for lunch? You're rude-dueting me."
    • Soggipaniphobia - the fear of bread that sat in soup too long. This phobia can also apply to a day old sub sandwich, the tomatoes and lettuce of which have moistened the roll.
      • EX: Elizabeth has severe soggipaniphobia and therefore keeps bread and liquids totally separate. (taken from real life)
    • T-ninerpreter - one with the ability to decipher T9 or auto-correct foul ups in a text received.
      • EX: "What? I can't read this: 'G an three me ugh,'" said Sydney. "Oh, he said, 'I am tired of this' and forgot to type the last letter," said Patrick.


        Jim said...

        Sniglet: any word that doesn't appear in the dictionary, but should.

        Anonymous said...

        Love the Jublianthusiasm!

        Homeboy McCoy said...

        Come up with a word for a male bff often mistaken for gay because he's in religious formation...

        Homeboy McCoy said...

        I got it... "holysexual."

        Elizabeth said...

        Ahhh! Brilliant! "This is my holysexual boyfriend. He helps me when I go rosary shopping."

        BillHaurton said...

        Love this post

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