I love 1st graders! Week 15

You know what happens to elementary school students on ValenTIME's Day? They eat a lot of sugar.

It was Halloween part II, but they were still very manageable. This week's topic was "God's family and my family," so we got to hear a lot of interesting comparisons:

* We all Love each other.
* We all go to church on Sunday.
* Mary and Joseph don't eat spaghetti anymore, but I do.
* Jesus doesn't wear shoes in heaven, but moms make you wear them.

The most jarring part about the lesson was learning our "faith words," matrimony and marriage. As I was reading out the simple sentences explaining that matrimony is what a man and a woman enter into when they love each other and want to commit to be together for the rest of their lives... I knew I was reading to a room half-filled with the products of divorce.

I don't own the rights

The statistics were better than I'd hoped, but I think three out of ten had divorced parents and they are still at the age that sharing this is just a fact. The emotional tire marks have been left, but I don't think they have processed them consciously yet.

Immediately I reverted to my semi-childish and certainly simplistic confusion about divorce. I understand that there are abusive situations and those are tough. I do not presume to understand divorce from a first-hand perspective.

HOWEVER, there have to be moments while a couple is dating or is engaged when the hesitant thoughts or red flags perk up, suggesting it is not right. "I am not really willing to commit to this person, for better or for worse."

As a puritan, I firmly believe sex plays a big role in keeping people on the path to marriage when it's not the right path for the couple. I also know that many people don't trust that they can find someone for whom they would not be settling. People do not want to be alone.

So they take a leap that was never meant for them. And now their kids are in my classroom and I have to teach them about this holy sacrament through a vocabulary word and a definition.

Manage your mannerisms

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Middle school is God's preview for purgatory, in my humble opinion. Unless He meant it to be a taste of Hell, in which case: good job, God. It did the trick, I never want to go there.

During my time in Hell, I observed and people-watched so thoroughly that I created in my  mind a PhD dissertation outlining "How to Look Cool." I knew how "the popular kids" got to their thrones, I understood why it worked for them but not everyone, and I would attempt to implement some subtleties in my own life to stay under par and above water.

Pre-teen Elizabeth avoided subscribing to the big "popularizers" like boasting really low cut shirts, wearing expensive clothes, treating people poorly, and throwing myself at guys (the voices of whom, let's recall, were still changing). However, I would intentionally walk pigeon-toed.

(I don't own the rights)

I have no clue why, don't ask me, but this was a common trait among the popular girls: cute running sneakers, jeans, and a slightly deformed stride. I adopted it blindly.

It became a habit that I still have to correct consciously. Eleven-year-old Elizabeth fell so hard for the middle school message stating a self-conscious, cutesy way of walking would make her more valuable that her mark remains thirteen years later.

This mannerism sprung from a negative mindset, but everyday we can watch ourselves carryout helpful habits sprung from positive or necessary mindsets.

Those who have driven a manual car while sitting at a red light know that, with experience, the driver comes to know the exact moment to lift his or her foot off the clutch. You must teach yourself to pay attention, almost subconsciously, to the engine's queues and you adjust immediately.

Much like middle school, the first twenty hours behind the wheel of a stick-shift car tests your patience and knocks you down several pegs. These cars are meant to build humility sand castles around your wimpy "driving skills." Respect the clutch or the world will know what you've done.

We learn through our mistakes. In the manual car, no one can teach you to "know" the perfect time to shift; after some practice, your habits take over. In the decade following middle school, I looked down at my daily reminder of the futility of basing my happiness on how "the popular kids" see me.

Keep it smiley (I don't own the rights)

Make making good habits a habit. The simplest but most fruitful guideline is "Am I Loving if I do this?"

If I get angry at this telemarketer and take it out on her, am I Loving? If I decide I need to teach a lesson to the white BMW who cut me off, am I Loving? When my younger sibling is annoying me by acting exactly as I did when I was his or her age and I just want to squash it out of them, would that be Loving? If I change myself just to appear cooler to the mob of popularity on the other side of the lockers, am I Loving?

We are called to treat all as Christ would. This includes ourselves.

We encounter "Hell" in middle school, develop new wisdom and talents in everyday life, stumble over reasons to be eternally happy, and crash into reasons to feel inconsolably sad constantly over the course of a lifetime.

Keep one constant among all of the variables: make good habits that stick around when you most need to use them.

7 Quick Takes Friday, Volume 15

Click here to read the original post at ConversionDiary.com

*1*

I'm proud to say that on Tuesday, someone from Halifax, Nova Scotia landed on my blog by searching for Gilbert Blythe.

*2*

I'm befuddled to report that someone else landed on my "A hairy tortoise?" post by searching for "hairy tush." Tsk, tsk, people.

*3*

(I don't own the rights)

This is 2011. I've been wearing glasses since 2004. I think it's about time I shovel out the cash for an alternative, so I'm getting contacts! I considered ordering some specialty contacts that blend in with the white of one's eye, excepting the pupil.

That would attract some attention.

*4*

I don't own the rights, God does.

On that subject, all optometrists should be as good looking as mine. You come in with fuzzy vision and POOF he fixes it and you're looking at a wonderful example of God's creation. 

And, if they can help it, they should also be as funny.

If you're in Richmond and need an optometrist, consider Dr. Josh Shows with Precision EyeCare. The mundane chore of going to the eye doctor can be a fun hour!

*5*  

"As you know, we treated each one of you as a father treats his children, exhorting and encouraging you and insisting that you conduct yourselves as worthy of the God who calls you into His kingdom and glory." 1 Thessalonians 2:11-12

Adoption is a beautiful practice in our society. I cannot imagine the pain and frustration of trying and being unable to bear children. However, through the discernment and goodness of others, those who cannot physically get pregnant can become loving parents.

I don't know Patty or Phil, but I've seen their advertisement in several Virginia local and university newspapers. They seem like very nice people when I read their blog, but as I don't really know them, I am not endorsing them.

However, if there are any pregnant women or friends/family of pregnant women reading this blog, hello! Right now you may be in the tough position of being unmarried or unsure about the future of the baby. Please consider couples like Patty and Phil. There are hundreds of worthy couples nearby who want nothing more than to welcome your child into their home and family.

*6*

How many people can say they have spoken with one of their favorite authors? With gratitude, I had the opportunity to interview Rick Bragg for an article last summer. His writing is poignant, tight, and transcending and his speech is similar.

I was nervous and in awe throughout the entire conversation, tickled by his country Alabama accent. Yes, that nightmare came true: I said something ridiculous and stupid. He was good about it and I made it out alive.

For those with an e-reader, attack this website and download one of his books, All Over But the Shoutin.' For those without an e-reader, here it is on Amazon.

*7*

Homeboy McCoy one-upped me on my own blog. It's okay, I've recovered.

On my snigglets post (thanks, Jim!), the Punk To Monk writer suggested we create a word for "a male bff often mistaken for gay because he's in religious formation." Four minutes later, he had the answer: holysexual.

Here's to all my holysexual brothers: thanks for being who you are.

You're welcome, English language

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America: the land of the free and the home of the inventor.

I do not support killing the English language with text lingo ("r u goin 2 da mall l8r? lol.") or with "abrevs," (fab, totes, etc) as my Canadian friends call them.

But I do like making up new words and phrases (Ex: Ennui-versary). My dad is the genius behind most of the definitions below, as he is always saying, "We need a word for..." If these new words stick, they could be a wonderful birth in the language. If they don't, at least Google will find them on here.

(I don't own the rights, but I did make up these words...)

 We need a word for:

• Benedict Arnoldyougoingtosignthat? - a disloyal pro player who switches teams to the hated, dreaded enemy.
• EX: Boggs, Damon, and Favre are famous Benedict Arnoldyougoingtosignthats? who played the traitors' game of capture the flag with fans' hearts.

• Condisweat- the very watery liquid which first comes out of a ketchup and mustard bottle on a hot day.
• EX: "Tommy, don't forget to shake the ketchup. Your father is afraid of condisweat because of his soggipaniphobia."

• Creeptronic Period - the era in which cyber-stalking, otherwise known as "MyFaceStalking," is socially acceptable and common.
• EX: It was in the Creeptronic Period that man started losing retinas and more sleep than ever before.

• Digiveil - the moment one says, "Hello?" when answering a phone with caller ID, which told one who called.
• EX: Since the late-nineties, Edith has upheld the digiveil, pretending she doesn't know what the caller ID already told her.

• Deliveranc-hnozzola - the moment one can breathe again after having a cold or flu.
• EX: Finally, Jim thought, deliveranc-hnozzola after 72 hours of sneezing. 

• Dess-nial- the mindset when a waiter asks "Will there be dessert?"; everyone in the crowd thinks, "Darn, right," but says aloud, "No, I probably shouldn't." Bonus for a commenter who invents a name for the good soul who orders it with six spoons!
• EX: It was their first date and she was in dess-nial, but that Death By Chocolate cake sounded delectable.

• Gray-dar - the ability to notice when someone is dying his or her hair, covering the gray.
• EX: My gray-dar goes off whenever I meet a 65-year-old raven-haired beauty.

• Jublianthusiasm - the phenomenon of one noticing one's parents are still hopelessly in Love and entertained by one another. 
• EX: The jublianthusiasm was palpable when my mom burst into laughter because of something my dad said.

• Melanchaudio - the feeling that overwhelms one when one hears a song that reminds one of a bad time, of an ex-significant other, or of some memory that puts a gray cloud over one's head.
• EX: Sally's melanchaudio was particularly strong the night of the Michael Bolton concert.

• Misconscription - a joke, idea, or thought that doesn't translate well in writing without a lot of explanation.
• EX: In the first few conversations with his new friend, Jake thought Adam was a mean jerk, but it turned out much of Adam's humor became misconscription when they were instant messaging.

• Mortigait shuffle - the action of running for a few steps while looking back at the area where one tripped over nothing, when many might be watching.
• EX: The man engaged in a little mortigait shuffle to fool the other people on the street. That microscopic crack was a doozy.

• ObliviPAX - the thoughts that escape you so quickly that you KNOW you're never going to remember them so you make peace with it.
• EX: I have at least one obliviPAX per day and I'm okay with that. They must not be important.

• Obnoxygen - when the general atmosphere of a room is an unhealthy combination of annoyance and impatience. (This one comes from my good friend's dad!)
• EX: "I have to get out of here. I'm allergic to the obnoxygen in this room right now."

• Phone Tennis- that uncomfortable 120 seconds when both parties say goodbye on the phone but cannot seem to hang up.
• EX: Mary was a champion Phone Tennis player, confusing the person on the other end of the phone and costing her more minutes on her cell phone plan. 

• Redundanecdotes - stories heard a million times before, which are recognizable before the fifth word is spoken.
• EX: The 17-year-old Anne politely smiled as her grandfather told her another redundanecdote at the family reunion.

• Renter's block - the phenomenon where one can never think of a movie to see when one is standing in the store (or at the redbox, or with the Wii-mote on Netflix).
• EX: Margaret rarely rents movies because she gets renter's block before she even enters the store.

• Resplanitory - a message that needs no reply.
• EX: "Carl, 'I'll see you in five minutes' is a resplanitory. No need to waste a text with 'K.' I am going to see you in five minutes!"

• Revertigo Melanchaudio - the depression which envelopes one when a song popular in high school or college days plays on the elevator Musak station (the idea for this one is from my dad and I stole "revertigo" from How I Met Your Mother).
• EX: Revertigo Melanchaudio set in when Harold heard the chorus of a watered down version of "Fat Man in the Bathtub" play between the 20th and 32nd floors in the elevator. 

• Rude-duet - when one is talking to someone on the phone and it is quite apparent that the other person is also on the computer or watching TV.
• EX: "I'm listening," Samantha said. "So you heard me tell you I'm going to the hospital because I have heart burn from the live parrot I ate for lunch? You're rude-dueting me."

• Soggipaniphobia - the fear of bread that sat in soup too long. This phobia can also apply to a day old sub sandwich, the tomatoes and lettuce of which have moistened the roll.
• EX: Elizabeth has severe soggipaniphobia and therefore keeps bread and liquids totally separate. (taken from real life)

• T-ninerpreter - one with the ability to decipher T9 or auto-correct foul ups in a text received.
• EX: "What? I can't read this: 'G an three me ugh,'" said Sydney. "Oh, he said, 'I am tired of this' and forgot to type the last letter," said Patrick.

I love 1st graders! Week 14

You're either in tears, celebrating, or indifferent about the results of last night's game. I'm not going to reveal my stance... but what a cool segue that the first thing Greenbay's Greg Jennings said at the end of the game was "Glory be to God!"

I noticed his prayerful kneeling at the end of each touchdown, which was such a cool affirmation about the lives of some of these players. AND his end of game comment glorifying God brings us right to tonight's lesson! We learned the Glory Be!

The lessons in this book are less than exciting, to say the least. My co-teacher is brilliant and comes up with fun routines. Today I looked up the American Sign Language words for the Glory Be... what an adventure that was:

Glory be to the Father

to the Son,

and to the Holy Spirit,

as it was in the beginning,

is now, and will be forever.

Amen.

I don't usually get to share helpful things with moms readers, but this is really fun! This one is for Spence Ohana who also teaches CCD. Maybe you can use this!

The kids BLEW ME AWAY with how fast they picked it up and they seemed to enjoy it! They were so quick, they could return to their seats and start filling out "kindness coupon books" that my friend and co-teacher made.

"This coupon is good for one hug."

"I will help you with the dishes."

"I will help my mom make her bed."

Several munchkins said they would make dinner... let's hope mom and dad avoid using that coupon. Ovens are tricky.

A superb weekly reminder is that these kids really retain what they learn and what we discuss. They ask questions and genuinely want to know answers.

"...but Jesus said, 'Let the children come to me, and do not prevent them; for the kingdom of heaven belongs to such as these.'" (Matthew 19:14)

It makes more sense to me each week.

7 Quick Takes Friday, Volume 14

Click here to read the original post at ConversionDiary.com

*1*

That was a fast week! We need more weeks like this: quick, happy, and peppered with 60 degree days... oh, my condolences to everyone not living in Central Virginia. That looks like one heck of a storm.

*2*

My brain is an alphabet soup of ADHD, made worse by my music habits. If there's a song or band I like, I wear them out. I listen to a playlist filled with twenty songs over and over and over until I'm sick of it and then I move on.

(Screen shot from his website, I don't own the rights)

A few artists have captured my hearing heart and I never get sick of them. This week I inducted Phil Wickham into that high Hall of Fame. Congratulations, sir! I could listen to you forever!

Bonus points that you're a Christian singer that doesn't sound lame! Alright!

*3*

What are you doing this summer? Me? I'm watching two of my dearest friends marry their lovely fiancés!

YOU could go to SPAIN! Yes, World Youth Day is this summer in Madrid. Here's the English website outlining everything you'd need to know.

Go join a GAJILLION young people who are flocking to Madrid this summer to see Pope Benedict XVI. Witness the beauty of the young members of Christ's Church together in one city!

*4*

Have you met Sr. Lisa? I haven't, but we are both Tweeple who like tweeting about God.

She is the coolest and most social media-savvy nun I have ever seen! On top of that, she writes beautifully on her blog, nunspeak.

If you're wondering about a religious vocation, there's no need to be afraid. Hop onto her blog and just absorb. She's a gentle woman who is on fire for her faith and vocation. This grouping, in particular, is worth reading, right now. No, really, go do it. Now.

*5*

(I don't own the rights)

This one is for seniors in college and recent graduates. Is God calling you to a year of formation? 

I think God is calling all of us to a long period of formation, but you may have the opportunity (and the call) to spend an intense year getting to know Him and those who may most need His guidance: teens.

Prayerfully discern and consider applying to work as a missionary with Life Teen at one of their camps. Here is the information, take a minute and see if this is a step God may be calling you to take.

*6*

I'm a week behind in my training, but I'm going to run in the Richmond Ukrop's 10k on April 2. I haven't started panicking... yet.

How convenient that the lovely Lisa Schmidt at The Practicing Catholic wrote about her very impressive completion of a 20k race last year! As soon as I finish this post, I'm going to the gym. I promise...

The article explains how she hit several rough patches, including the tragic loss of her father, but persevered with this verse in mind: “Let us run with perseverance the race that is set before us” (Hebrews 12:1)

*7*

If you've been reading my blog for a few weeks, you may remember my Emil Daddy, my wonderful aunt, and the other pile of poo my family has faced. PU.

Well, now my Gramma needs prayers... I'm beginning to wonder: Is there ever a time period of life when you're not looking over your shoulder or organizing insurance/hospital/other confusing paper work?

Even if the answer is "No, sorry. This is how it is," I'm grateful to know there is a balance of GOOD accompanying all the bad. Praise Him that the ultimate goal is good, too!

Scarf-face

"Say hello to my little friend."

Apparently Quentin Tarantino created Kill Bill to comment on how violence-focused our society has become. You could have fooled me, it seemed to raise the bar and make us more desensitized to gore, machine guns, and sensational death with symphony music in the background.

However, the violent culture is nothing compared to the sexual culture. This claim has been made for centuries and it will continue to be used for centuries more: kids these days are more promiscuous and know more about sex than any other generation. Back in my day... yada, yada, yada.

Humor me and remind yourself of the last time you saw a TV show or movie where the first kiss didn't immediately lead to the bedroom. Or the couch, if it was more than one room's walk to the bed.

My favorite Canadian TV show, Being Erica, disappointed me when two women friends exclaimed that sleeping in the same bed, but not having sex was "taking it extremely slow." There was a scoff and a pair of rolling eyes thrown in there. We get the picture, she was a puritan for keeping her pants on.

Sex and passion in TV shows like Grey's Anatomy look like the two characters are as famished for Love as the kids in the Christian Children's fund commercials with flies buzzing around their heads are famished for rice. They're addicted to the other person, they must have them right now.

In this country, we've resigned to the fact that we're all fat. We shame the fat people, put them on reality weight loss shows, and make them the butt of jokes (yes, we've made that easy joke many times). This has become a free space for ridicule...

(I don't own the rights)

If a 400 pound guy were to attack a hamburger with the kind of inertia that Dr. McSweaty and Dr. Doe Eyes come at each other in a moment of passion, he would have ketchup on his shirt, a mouth full of meat and cheese, and an audience rippling with laughter. It would be hilarious.

I'm picturing Will Ferrel as the 400 pound guy. You would go see that movie, wouldn't you?

Why do we get to make fun of the fat guy? "Because they should go on a reality show and get control of their waistline and eating habits."

Why does valuing temperance end there? Shouldn't we extend it to sex? It seems like we're rationing our moments of seriousness instead of rationing moments of spontaneously indulging passion.

When you watch a movie like "It Happened One Night," where the man and woman characters separated their room with a "Wall of Jericho" layer of fabric for modesty's sake, it is appalling to realize we've come to the decade of Grey's Anatomy, Sex and the City, and passionate moments that inevitably lead to "just sex."

All this ranting and I have no solution for you. All I can hope is that people will see the emptiness and realize the true freedom in looking at their counterparts with respect and a desire to know them without the lustful use of their bodies. Call me a puritan, I dare you.

I love 1st graders! Week 13

Whew! That was a long time to go without the unconditional love of the shortest people in my life. Oops, make that the second-shortest (see #4).

A month and a half, a whole liturgical season, and one sick week later, the kiddos were back in the classroom and we were back in business learning about how much God Loves us!

I'm not a mom, so any moms reading this will think, "Yes, they tend to do that." What do they do? They ask pertinent questions way above their supposed understanding. God is laughing at us adults, thinking we know more than these kids. We don't.

When we were talking about the Trinity, "Fahhther, Son and Hol-lee Speer-eet," one girl quietly raised her hand and said, "I don't understand."

Today, we were talking about the Mass and she said, "Why do we do it? Why do we go to Mass?"
Did I mention I love these kids? It's a simple question with a lifelong answer.

So, why do you go to Mass? Is it to get the Eucharist? That is certainly the greatest possible gift and we are not worthy, but God has said the Word and we are healed.

Is it to see your friends? Community is certainly important. Is it to make new friends?

Is it because your priest gives awesome, fulfilling homilies? Do you go despite your priest's homilies?

Why do you go?

The same wise friend I quote most of the time I'm explaining something profound shared with me a metaphor he recently heard: the Mass is like a big balloon launcher. You enter the room, God pulls back the sling shot. You hear the readings and the homily, God tugs it back farther. Jesus enters and offers himself to us in the form of the Eucharist, God inserts a big ol' water balloon in the sling shot, pulling back farther.

The priest tells us to "Go in peace to love and serve the Lord." WAPPO. There we go, armed with the Eucharist and our community to serve God and spread His word.

I love that. Whatever you do, do not bring a balloon launcher to Mass. They won't like it. Just "get launched."