Beget Some Joy

I made it through 3 hours of the first day of school before driving to the hospital.

While awaiting our tiny blessing, my husband and I made many predictions about whence she would arrive. I assumed she would arrive in mid-September, partially out of the hopes that I would spend more time with my school kiddos before holding my personal, biological kiddo. My husband, as he often does, guessed it spot on. September 6, 2017, Rita Marie joined us on the outside!

One must spend only a few moments with most women on the topic of labor, delivery, and general motherhood before one hears the battle stories. Parents are the modern warriors, it seems, traversing parts unknown to raise their children and facing all number of dragons and scars.

Labor and delivery seems to be the focus of several women as the first prolonged peak of suffering on the path to parenthood. However, I’ve learned differently. Wanting, praying for, waiting for, and hoping for a child that I didn’t know would arrive was far more stinging than labor.

Who among us would disagree that suffering begets joy? The harder we work to reach that one student, the more cheer when we see the spark in their understanding. The more often we sweat it out at the gym or on the trails, the more confidence we build in the fruit of our actions. And the more a student struggles to learn, the greater the reward when their perseverance pays off.

I found that paradox to be true throughout my time growing my daughter on the inside: every pregnancy ailment was a step toward meeting her. I offered it up for her and my husband as we prepared to be her parents, just as I did during labor. Afterall, once I met her and held her in my arms, how could I complain of pain or suffering. The joy had come, as it always does on the other side of struggle. I choose to attend to that.

On the Other Side of the Baby Shower

There were many pink and blue days in the last several years during which I prayed for strength, smiled through pain, and wept in the car on the way home. The Baby Shower: method of feminine torture, or one of God's roads to humility?

Existing in a state of life that looks differently to what I desire is the Looking-Glass problem: you feel you're called to a certain vocation, avocation, stage of life or whatever you please, though you're not living in that reality yet. You can see it through the looking-glass, but it's not within your grasp. The Looking-Glass problem has challenged me throughout my life and I'm comforted to know I'm not alone.

Single? Longed for a guy to love.
Dating? Wanted to be able to tell everyone I was going to marry the best man on Earth.
Engaged? Ready to be married. Yesterday.
Married, but waiting for God to bestow His blessings the way I wanted.... impatient.

Then we started facing the reality that few discuss: God needs to be involve in every aspect of our marriage, including the potential for long term infertility. Yes, we've always invited Him into our bedroom, naturally avoiding zah baybee-producing days when we discerned He wasn't calling us to parenthood yet. However, when we deemed ourselves ready and the POOF, YOU'RE PREGNANT IMMEDIATELY fantasy bubble popped, we knew patience was in order. It wasn't going to be so easy for us.

All this time, while looking ahead rather than living in the happy portions of my present, I attended what feels like dozens of baby showers. Each one was a battle between my two trains of thought: joy at another life for my friend to love and sorry that I might never see motherhood in that way.

Last weekend I celebrated my own little person at my baby shower, awash with gratitude. All the party long, I remained acutely aware of those present who were suffering from the Looking-Glass problem. I offered up the pain I felt in my past to ask God for their peace.

Getting pregnant, praise God, is not the event that introduced peace back into my life. God worked hard on my heart through my sadness, during every negative pregnancy test, and every doctor's appointment. He healed me before he healed my body, and then gave me the precious gift that keeps bouncing and punching from within.

I yell my prayers from the top of my lungs for those struggling with the Looking-Glass problem. These words of my experience may only frustrate or sound like platitudes, but they are as True as I've known:

There is a reason He's making you stronger through this trial. Run to Him and ask Him to do the work to heal you. Your burden is heavy, His is light, and He can carry it along side you as you strengthen.

A Little Sugar, A Lot of Love, book review

Book review:

A Little Sugar, A Lot of Love
by Linn B. Halton
Pub Date: 14 Oct 2016

This is a light read. The characters were likable and the story was fun to follow. It felt a little more predictable and rom-com than I tend to like to read, but if a reader enjoys that, this would fit well in your shelf.

★★★

Mad Love, book review

Book review:

Mad Love
by Nick Spalding
Pub Date: 06 Dec 2016S

Once again, Nick Spalding delivers a book that makes me laugh out loud. I enjoyed the characters and the book as a whole, though its trajectory is pretty clear to see as you read.

★★★★

Gluttony in All its Forms

Gluttony has been among the most common of my sins in the last year and half. When I first learned about gluttony as one of the deadly sins, images of the cookie monster and Augustus Gloop waddled through my mind. The downplayed sin appears to be two-dimensional and simple, but it's more invasive and complicated than we like to admit. The Devil has made the Truth about gluttony conveniently opaque and I know I don't love examining it.

*Giggle* "Wait until you see my secret Twizzler drawer!"

Gluttony comes disguised in a myriad of ways (of all of which I am guilty):

• Food, thinking about food, planning for the next meal's food as you're still finishing the bite of this meal, thinking about how you wish you weren't thinking about food, eating food, eating more food, food, food, food.
• Instagram (et al) and digesting as much of other's lives as you can with your neck positioned in a tilted L shape.
• Gossip and indulging in constantly criticizing others.
• Research and unbridled Google searching for answers. I constantly search for answers to medical issues, reasons for why "it must be harder for me than everyone else," and other topics about which I would rather read than take action.
• Working (day job and other hobbies that earn recognition) to the extent that it invades the more important Marian (vs Marthanese) aspects of life. Often this form of gluttony is motivated by seeking praise and promotion (or trophies, ribbons, medals, and other rewards for those swim meets and games kids are participating in on Sunday morning).
• "Freedom" and "finding yourself" - total farces. Simply put, "I was looking outside / as if love would ever want to hide / I'm finding I was wrong" (Matt Maher, Alive Again).

How many other forms of gluttony could we identify? Thousands, probably, because the Devil pushes us to excess in order to drown us in it, distracting us from God.

I could not do better than the padres of Catholic Stuff You Should Know in their episode, "Watchfulness and Addiction." Please go listen to it. 

I will paraphrase the part that broke the barrier for me and made me realize there was a better way to life: our bodies do not have a moral compass. Our minds need to be that moral voice for our bodies. For example, when we're feeling an emotion that typically encourages us to overeat, drink, or gossip to relieve that emotion, our mind has the control to take action and break the cycle. Our bodies will rebel after long periods of time developing that habit ("Hey, I thought this is what we do when X happens?!"), but our mind needs to be that voice of active reason. Our bodies are not in charge.

Lessons We ReReReReLearn

Don't you love the Back to the Future tribute band songs your mind and heart play every once in a while? Every so often I learn something (Praise God!) and then, like a trap door opening on a rickety stage, I drop like a stone, leaving that little cloud of previously learned knowledge floating 5'8" off the ground like a cartoon hat suspended in the air.

Wah.

Do you reinvent the wheel as many times as I do in your faith life? The devil knows just how to get me to fall for those old thought habits. As you can probably pick up from some of my latest posts about growing a family, I've been riding the struggle bus. I keep telling the driver to stop at dark and creepy spots along the bus line, though I've learned my lesson so many times and "know" to avoid them. "Knowledge is power" is a platitud-ious phrase that doesn't tell the whole story.

I can know so many of the things God has taught me, but without the faith to truly accept, apply to, and be patient with God about them in my life, that knowledge is bust. For example, I know God's timing is best. Yet, I keep falling for the Devil's whispers about how much I want to predict when and how our family will grow. In doing so, I'm neglecting to apply that knowledge and it is, therefore, useless to my fragile heart.

I learned this lesson yet again (and I'm praying I open my heart to let it "stick") throughout my day Friday, concluding in Adoration:

1. I spent four hours with four of my favorite children on the planet, trying on the role of Mom. My mind didn't go to pity town at all; I just loved them and realized God gives me so many opportunities to mother in my day.
2. On my way home from our adventures, I received word from a beautiful woman who I know to be similarly facing infertility. She told me God may have answered her prayers (pray for her please!) and my immediate reaction was thanksgiving for the tiny life. Next, I thought about how her pregnancy should turn me to Hope. God works. Period. And He does have a plan for me. Something will happen. In the meantime, I reopened my heart to hope by a crack. He works in a crack.
3. In adoration, I stumbled on the prayerful realization (again) that God's will will be done, whether or not I can be patient for it, so I might as well try to be patient. I have so many other gifts that are "salves" on the wound (kiddos, job, husband, faith life, art).
4. In adoration, I remembered and renewed a transformation prayer I had offered up a few months ago. Non-coincidentally, I offered up this prayer shortly before my latest paid admission for the struggle bus. He is answering my prayerful request for Him to radically transform my heart and life. Even though I know it's currently leading me through pain and suffering, I firmly resolve that I want Him to transform me. I want Him to make me whole, even if that means I have to learn in this way. It's oddly empowering and He's providing that opportunity for me to feel that way.

What lessons are you learning and relearning?

Response to "Meantime"

My lovely cousin wrote to me in response to my post about what to do in the meantime. This is Love. Enjoy:

I've been brainstorming "meantime" things since I first read, so here goes:


1. Distractions - find as many as you can. Fill up your life with things that you love (or at least love to hate) so that your mind is preoccupied. (I imagine there will still be an aching, but, unfortunately, I don't know how to fix that.)
You may think the whole "distractions" idea is childish, and it can be, but if you're anything like me, sometimes too much thinking can be a downward spiral. Distractions prevent that from happening, and they let you learn, try new things, help others, etc. at the same time.
I'm sure you have your own ideas, but just in case you need some inspiration these days, distraction examples may include the following: take an art/music/theatre class, learn a new language, join a social sports league, borrow our kayaks (we just got them and we LOVE them) and go out on the river with Kevin, have a picnic, go wine tasting, apple pick in the fall, go hiking or camping, start a huge home improvement project that requires oodles of research and planning and doing and redoing, learn a new recipe or cooking method, read lots of books (perhaps new genres or a classic you haven't read before) and/or reread some old ones, take up knitting/quilting/cross-stitching, learn calligraphy, find a new volunteer organization and devote lots of time/energy to it, create your own business, take an investment class or read up on a type of investing you want to know more about, plan a surprise for Kevin, plan and take a trip to a far off location you've always wanted to see, make a film, etc.


2. Shiny silver hope coins - take mine! I've got plenty to give :)


3. Keep going to church, praying, and journaling.


4. Nurture your relationship with Kevin. Do fun things together. Hold hands. Stay best friends. Find ways to help him though this journey, and don't be afraid to let him know how he can help you.


5. Keep eating well and exercising. See shiny silver hope coins. If mine happen to work, you want your body and mind to be in the best shape to grow your family. Plus, these are just good things to do anyway.


6. See your doctors as regularly advised and when issues come up. I imagine you and Kevin are doing this already, but I mention it because I have, in my "old" age, started to avoid doctors appointments. Don't be like me!


7. Find a couples or women's only support group. I imagine there are many, and I'm glad to help you find some you might like.


8. Make plans. If your situation or mental/physical health changes, change them. I can sometimes get hung up on the "oh, but what if X happens, and we have to reschedule/cancel? I will feel so [negative emotion] and our [friends, family, acquaintances] will be so [negative emotion]. Let's just say no now so we don't have that awkwardness later." Guess what? Plans change. And those who love you won't be [negative emotion] about it.


I'm not sure if this is what you are/were looking for, and I know some of these are trivial. But, at the very least, now you know that someone who loves you is reading your words and hearing your voice and thinking of you and wanting to help.

Meantime

Several weeks ago I wrote a letter to our Lord.

Allowing myself to be a little mad at God for not making answers as obvious to me as I want, when I want them, is both totally immature (childlike? Can I get credit for that?) and spiritually healthy. I must know how unconditionally he loves me because I'm willing to yell at him.

The outside world will not be privy to my entire letter to God, but I want to start educating those who might not know much about the business of family growing. It's not the fault of those who are ignorant of it. It's the responsibility of people facing infertility, or at least unintended delay in growing their family, to teach.

1 - Gratitude

One part of my letter thanked Him for blessing me beyond my deserving -- obviously so. He offered, gave, is giving, and will give me salvation, if I am open to His mercy. I had a joyful childhood, have talents and gifts, an incredible husband, a beautiful job, and the opportunities and courage God gave me to serve Him and His people. That huge list of things that makes my heart so full should be enough. My ingratitude is something on which I am working.

2 - Reflections

My letter moved on to trying to explain the perceptions I've developed in the last three years with regards to hope. I feel like I've put too many shiny silver hope coins in the machine. I'm fresh out. This leads me to divide hope into two categories: active hope and subsurface hope.

Active hope: "This might be the day we conceive!"
Subsurface hope: "I can do all things through Him who strengthens me even though I feel like the exact opposite IRL."

Shiny, appealing active hope is not the right kind of faith. There is childlike faith, but then there is dealing with the consequences of assuming everything is going to happen the way you predict it.

3 - Servility

Faith (and the accompanying subsurface hope) is continuing to ask and pray to Him for His will, even when you're mad that your personal timeline is inconvenienced. Faith is knowing that God can do anything, but that he expects you to continue engaging in your life in the meantime.

"Faith is to believe what you do not see;

the reward of this faith is to see what you believe."  

--St. Augustine

I don't see what I'm supposed to do in the meantime as I wait for the fulfillment of my vocation, I wrote in my letter to God. "I know I'm not doing this right; I know the Devil has my ear. I'm having a hard time distinguishing between Your voice and his, which is crazy," I wrote.

I recognized in the letter that my job here on Earth is NOT to avoid pain at all costs. This is one of the lesser reasons why IVF will never be an option (more on that in the future). I end my letter asking God to tell me what I'm supposed to do to distract my thoughts or deal with things in the meantime.

Since writing it, I've had 3 or 4 holy hours in Adoration of the Blessed Sacrament and received a few whisperings of answers. I'm still sorting them out, but if anyone has an answer to my question, "What do I do in the meantime while the process of God's will is underway?" I'd love to hear it in a comment below!