I can know so many of the things God has taught me, but without the faith to truly accept, apply to, and be patient with God about them in my life, that knowledge is bust. For example, I know God's timing is best. Yet, I keep falling for the Devil's whispers about how much I want to predict when and how our family will grow. In doing so, I'm neglecting to apply that knowledge and it is, therefore, useless to my fragile heart.
I learned this lesson yet again (and I'm praying I open my heart to let it "stick") throughout my day Friday, concluding in Adoration:
- I spent four hours with four of my favorite children on the planet, trying on the role of Mom. My mind didn't go to pity town at all; I just loved them and realized God gives me so many opportunities to mother in my day.
- On my way home from our adventures, I received word from a beautiful woman who I know to be similarly facing infertility. She told me God may have answered her prayers (pray for her please!) and my immediate reaction was thanksgiving for the tiny life. Next, I thought about how her pregnancy should turn me to Hope. God works. Period. And He does have a plan for me. Something will happen. In the meantime, I reopened my heart to hope by a crack. He works in a crack.
- In adoration, I stumbled on the prayerful realization (again) that God's will will be done, whether or not I can be patient for it, so I might as well try to be patient. I have so many other gifts that are "salves" on the wound (kiddos, job, husband, faith life, art).
- In adoration, I remembered and renewed a transformation prayer I had offered up a few months ago. Non-coincidentally, I offered up this prayer shortly before my latest paid admission for the struggle bus. He is answering my prayerful request for Him to radically transform my heart and life. Even though I know it's currently leading me through pain and suffering, I firmly resolve that I want Him to transform me. I want Him to make me whole, even if that means I have to learn in this way. It's oddly empowering and He's providing that opportunity for me to feel that way.
What lessons are you learning and relearning?